As the Pope leaves the Vatican, and thoughts turn to his successor, a surprise runner for the post of pope has emerged: Charlton Athletic supporter Rick Everitt. He is available for employment following the loss of his post at The Valley last year. He was thought to be in the frame for the role of refreshments manager at Herne Bay, which comes with sole occupancy of the tea hut, but talks broke down when he learnt he would have to provide the sugar.
Everitt is not known to be a Roman Catholic and, indeed, once declared that his only religion was Charlton Athletic. However, his supporters in the Curia argue that a minor detail should not be allowed to stand in the way of a good candidate. A Vatican spokesman said, ‘We have reached a stage where the answer to the question “Is the pope a Catholic?” need not necessarily be in the affirmative.’
Everitt approves of the red papal vestments, but thinks that the headgear is unsuitable for away matches and would replace it by a red Charlton baseball cap. The Vatican would be turned into a museum and the Holy See moved to Ramsgate.
Everitt is already drafting his first encyclical Rutulus, Rutulus, Avis which will threaten eternal damnation for supporters of Crystal Palace and Millwall. If elected, he has pledged to set up a version of the ‘Rickshaw’ service to convey the faithful to mass. Voice of the Valley will be re-launched as Voice of the Vatican.
He will not be allowed to retain his own name as pope, although he has said that he will expect to be addressed as ‘His Rickness’. He is thought likely to take his papal name from a successful Charlton manager. So it could be Pope Jimmy the First, Pope Lennie, Pope Alan or Pope Chris.